Sunday, March 8, 2009

Thoughts...

I am going to make this quick since it is 11:40 and I feel like it's 1:00. I should be going to bed, but my head's kinda full. I just went back and re-read all this and I have to warn you, it's pretty real and raw. If you don't care to read about my emotional purse dump, then move along to the next blog on your list.

This blog is my sanity. It is the one and only thing that is just mine, for me, by me. I love it and my life is not quite so lonely because of it. But there are times when things just stack up, don't they? I have a list a mile long that needs to be done. Like I know everyone does. But I feel like it will never go away. I will never cross everything off. There will always be something that comes after. Life would be boring otherwise, I guess.

but...

I miss sitting for hours and just reading a book. Usually I go through about 3-4 books a week. Lots of them are re-reads. I have read 3 books since January. I miss it.

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I love my job as a mom, housewife, whatever you want to call it. I do not miss the working environment at all. I miss teaching the kids and planning fun lessons, but I do not ever wish to be there right now. I am so where I want to be. I love that I am home to meet Zachary getting off the bus. I love that I am here with my girls all day. LOVE it. I am passionate about my job as CEO of this family. The cooking, cleaning, caring for the household is so rewarding to me. I don't just like to make the girl's baby food, I thrive on it. I don't just like grocery shopping, but I find the best deal and grit my teeth when I know I have a coupon for something I forgot at home.

So why is the house always cluttered?

The dishes always need to washed, the floor always needs to be vacuumed, dust settles everyday. Every night I go to bed as a failure because something was left undone.

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Sometimes I feel like I am spread so very thin that I am not good at any of the things I need to be. I feel like I end up being a half-assed cook, cleaner, gardener, blogger, friend (this one just makes me want to cry because I MISS my friends I don't see anymore), wife, homework helper, organizer, mom to Zachary...not good at any of them, just getting by. Not to mention that there are huge chunks of me not even being used; like a volunteer for Zachary's school ( this one really gets to me because I so wish I could do more there), church goer (sigh), scrapbooker, reader, decorator... I know there is a season for everything. I know that...I do.

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Another huge thing is...
I look in the mirror and don't see me. I see a woman who looks like she ate me. I cringe at pictures of myself with the girls, but regret there are not more. I have no time to exercise, but can't find the energy or will to do it even if I do grab a minute here or there. I barely have time to eat during the day. If I do eat I grab something quick (and unhealthy). Then in the evening (aka - the worst time) my mental thing kicks in and tells me I haven't eaten all day so I must eat, eat, eat. I know it is possible for me to be thin because I was and I maintained it for several years. It just seems like a long dark tunnel in front of me with no end.

When I go grocery shopping or anywhere, really and I catch myself in a mirror, half the time I am horrified and half the time I could care less that I am wearing sweats and a overly big t-shirt of Gary's with Crocs, no makeup and my hair...Oh Lord, my hair...is really bad. I don't even recognize myself.

I have very few clothes that are in my current size because I have never been my current size without being pregnant. I flew past it so fast during IVF that I just made do. And it's not that I can't go get some. It's when...it's how can I buy another t-shirt? How can I justify nice clothes when they will end up with carrots spit on them?

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Moving on...

Our house is not one that is for hosting...anything. We all dream of our houses being magazine ready (or am I the only one?) We are slowly changing it from one of display to functional. And it's barely there. Our dining room is now both a playroom and a dining room. We were only using it as a playroom, but we feel it is important for us to eat dinner as a family at the table. So we moved some things around. My tree that is perfect for the decor in the dinning room is heading upstairs to my bedroom to join the chair from the living room. My beautiful buffet that holds all my candles, dishes, serving platters, and silverware got moved to the hallway and will be emptied tomorrow for diapers, wipes, lotions and other things we need downstairs for the girls. My gorgeous mirror hangs in the middle of the wall very lonely and will probably have to be taken down as well. As it is, we will have to squeeze past the wall to get to one side of the table and the girls' space to play got drastically cut, but we do what we have to, right?

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And then there are 3 mamas who sit out there tonight without 1 or more of their children. Sweet Tuesday, who lost her battle with cancer and left not only her twin but a whole family missing her. And a family whose blog I stumbled onto and can't even find now that read very much like my blog does; bath time in the sink, sweet faces for the camera...until January when they took their 6 month old daughter to the doctor for an ear infection and then a month later were putting her in heaven's arms.

And then Brook...I haven't even let myself fully go there yet to even comprehend it. To lose both of your children within 24 hours after only finding out about the illness, again, in January. Within a month 2 beautiful girls are gone from this earth and we are all left wondering...Can I admit I haven't been able to make my mind go there? To try to comprehend what she might be going through? Of course, I can't even imagine the pain she is in...but I could. I could imagine it if I let myself, but I haven't. The few times those thoughts have crept in I have had to shake them away. Does this make me a terrible friend? I feel like it does.
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So you see why I felt the need for a little dumping?

I may get up tomorrow morning and regret I ever put this one up.
It may go away after tonight.

12 comments:

linuxgrl said...

I am so glad you posted this! I absolutely have been feeling like a failure too lately. And I have been taking it out on my poor husband, who doesn't deserve the emotional abuse that I lay on him. Raising one child is hard, I can't even imagine having three! I think you're doing great just to make it through the day. Hang in there!

Rachael said...

i am glad you posted this. thank you for being so real, so honest. thank you for being you. hugs.

Heather said...

i don't have much time, going to doctors for yet another sick child... but just want to let you know that i have many of these thoughts too. thank you for sharing you. i wished we lived closer and could have gone together to get our hair done. hugs to you for now and i will write more later.

Souza Sisters said...

It's like you crawled in my head and pulled some of my thoughts... The difference is you are brave enough to put it out there! Hang in there... We all love you:) hugs...

monica said...

I have had some of these thoughts also. You have to take day by day and do what you have to do. At this point you just have to do what you have to do. It will get better. You will be able to have your dining room back - at some point. You will eventually have time to yourself when they get older.

Hang in there. We are here. Wish we lived closer I could help you (somehow). You will get threw it.

Amy said...

I, too, am glad that you posted this. You have been so strong taking care of your family, and you're right...this is your blog. We are here to listen to and support you in your "emotional purse dump." :o) We are all human, and we are doing the best that we can. You are a amazing mother and wife, and you are INVALUABLE to your family. There will always be something more to do, something left to finish, and that is life. Just live in the moment and know that you do the best for your family. They love you for it. Before you know it, your babies will be grown and you will miss these moments of crowding in the dining room/play room. :o) You are doing a great job!!!

Wishing 4 One said...

I too am glad to have stumbled over today (been real bad in reading) and read this. Don't take it dow, it may help someone who is having some of the same feelings. We all have em, in different ways. But you know what I just know that you are succeeding. I know this from your blog even before the girls arrived. So take good care and go treat yourself to a day at the spa or something pampering anyway. xoxoxo

Soliloquy said...

I love your honesty. I find it refreshing. And an appropriate way to use your blog.

You are in a tough stage right now. Times TWO. Hellllooooo?

Having children and being grateful you do doesn't change how very very difficult it can be, but I appreciate your willingness to keep in in perspective.

Soon, these days will be but a blur and all that will matter is that your kids had the best of you. The days are long, but the years are short.

Hang in, girl.

Annie said...

I think that all of us have the same thoughts too. Try to do a realistic list of "things to do" day by day.Don't try to do everything in one day. Schedule your time and when the babies are having a nap, try to do something for yourself (paint your nails, brush your hair,read two or three pages of a book, whatever you want) and that will be your time.

I hope this help you and I'm here to read what you need to tell. You're wonderful, hang in there!!!

Have a great week.

Anonymous said...

You are the most amazing mother! Dishes in the sink and the floor needing vacuuming are very small things. The dining room is a small thing.

The big things are Zachary, Abigail and Olivia. And they are great - loved, well cared-for, happy.

Another big thing is your fabulous husband and the marriage you are building with him.

When you are 109 and looking back on your life, it won't be the floor or the dishes that will warm your heart - it will be your children and their children and the heritage you have built.

You are an amazing woman, an amazing wife, an amazing mother.
I love you, Mom

Linda said...

I think your comments are more common that you realize. I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. We give up so much of ourselves for our babies and try and hold on to ourselves at the same time. It seems that things always fall through the cracks. We're all doing the best we can. Hugs!!!

Jamie said...

Hey Sara, Just read you blog, and I know it's a little late, but as a stay at home mom, it's never easy to feel like your doing it right, I never do. But I look at Lex's face and I watch him, and I know that somewhere along the way I am doing something right. My house was always clean, now I can't find one room or space that is, but I just keep moving on and know that it will get easier the older he gets the more indepented he becomes, things will come together. Thats what I keep holding onto. I love ya'll lots and wish that we didn't live so far apart. Take care and I will see ya'll soon.