Delivery Fears

Bed rest is working, by the way. When I am actually good and make myself be on strict bedrest, I have no contractions. But oh, I have to force myself to be good and lie down all day. I just have to say to all the women who have to be on bed rest for months. Bless.Your. Heart

Warning to moms-to-be who are having c-sections. I get detailed and scary here, so move along if you don't want to reality of it.

Huge note to self: One thing I don't need to do is watch The Baby Story if it ends with a c-section. It just brought it all back. Since I have had a c-section before, I know what to expect. Which is not necessarily a good thing.

I remember laying on the table, my hands strapped down, shaking uncontrollably due to the spinal.

I remember throwing up to point where the doctor had to stop sewing me up and tell the nurses to "do something about it!" Which they did, leaving me so drugged up I was having trouble speaking coherently.

I remember the sheet they put up so I wouldn't see myself being cut open, but it is also to cover up the fact that I was stripped from there down for everyone to see everything. I can't get that mental picture out of my mind. Yes, my insides will be cut open and what I am worried about is being naked in front of the whole room.

I remember hearing the baby cry but they didn't let me see him even for a second before they whisked him away. He was perfectly fine. There was no reason to rush him away, just a doctor's impatience to get moving.

I remember the pain after the spinal wore off. Most people say they don't. It's all worth it, blah blah blah. But I remember it; not being able to cough, laugh, sneeze without thinking my whole insides were going to come flying out.

I remember them taking off the tape from my back and around my incision and, come to find out, I am allergic to the tape. It pulled off chunks of skin around an already painful area. I am quick to tell them now, but they ask me what tape it was. Hell if I know, people. Just, whatever tape you would normally reach for first, that's probably it, you know??

It wasn't like it was a horrible experience, well...yes, it was. But maybe somehow it won't be so bad this time? What scares me the most is the epidural. You know, I got it the first time when I couldn't take the pain of the heavy duty contractions the Pitocin was making me have. I didn't care where they stuck what, just make the pain stop!! It was actually quite a pleasant experience. But this time, I will have to be fully in the moment of thinking about exactly what they are doing. Plus, I have the added bonus of an over-sized belly. I mean I can't even sit straight up these days, much less sit cross legged and bend over my huge belly so that my spinal cord is stretched to where they can insert a huge needle in between my vertebra so I won't feel the pain of them cutting my skin, muscle, and uterus open to remove my babies. Harsh? Yes, but it's what is going to happen so why gloss over it.

Can I just confess that the closer it gets the more nervous and scared I am of the whole getting the babies out thing?

What it boils down to is this, plain and simple. It was this surgery that lead us down this road of IVF in the first place. Because of this surgery, I would never be able to have children naturally again. So, will it be worse this time? Will the scar tissue be worse than before and cause even more problems down the road? Will they tell us this is it for us? It may be anyway, but I want us to make that decision. My normal OB did not do the c-section last time. When he cut me open I could hear him talking to the others around him about bleeding around my uterus and that it was the most extensive case he had ever seen. I asked him about it later and he shooed me off. He told me that the outside of my uterus was bleeding when they opened me. He made it seem like no big deal. Was this what made the scar tissue??

Sigh...I really want my OB to do my surgery. And I can only guarantee that if I go until July 2nd, my scheduled time, which I won't make it to, even he has said that. So here I wait, really nervous and not being able to do anything about it.