Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Some Questions...

Feeling a little blah today and you get to hear what is rattling around in my brain. If you read my blog for baby stories only then you'll have to wait for the next post where there is to be some serious cuteness going on :-)

But for now...

I am not one to question the Lord much.

During my divorce, everyone said it was ok to be mad at God. But I wasn't. Why would I be mad at him? He didn't leave me with our 8 month old baby to raise alone. In fact, there was never a time when I felt closer to Him than during those years.

Then when I couldn't get pregnant without IVF, I didn't really question him then either. I kinda knew what was behind that and it wasn't just the medical reason why. (That my dear friends, is another post entirely)

I take the stand of "why not me?" rather than "why me?". This is not to say that others are wrong to question God. I have not experienced anything faith shaking that has made me seriously question God and I hope I never do, but I know there are things that would make me go to that dark place. I totally understand why someone would question him for the horrible things that happen in this world, especially when it comes to babies.

Which brings to me to this...

Why would God create a person to love kids, put them into a job that surrounds them with kids, then make it impossible for them to have kids?

Which brought up my whole problem with this...

Why also would God create a person to love the whole experience around childbirth and then it turns out that I would never get to experience that myself? I almost went to med school to become an OB/GYN but I knew my grades where not good enough and that I wanted to start my own family without the stress of all that school and many years invested. But to say I was fascinated by it is an understatement. Not in a gross way, but in the "most beautiful experience that can ever be" way. I was in the room when my first nephew was born. I was 17. It changed my life. Changed. my. life. I looked at everything differently after that day when I watched a human come into the world. I was blessed to be at all of my nephews births but 1. I loved every minute of it.

When it was my turn, I read up on the Bradley Method of child birth. An "all natural" way of delivering with no pain meds. I was so up for the challenge. But as it turned out not only would I not be doing it with no pain meds, I would not be doing it the natural way at all. The book even said that if you had to have Pitocin to throw the whole method out the window because it was not natural labor and not many people can make it through labor with Pitocin without meds. If you did, my hats off to you :-) But my little boy got stuck in my pelvis where the dr said only a six pound baby would fit through. Since Z was 8lbs 10oz, that wasn't happening. Plus after more than 12 hours of labor, I had only dilated to a 4. I felt incredibly cheated afterward even though I knew it was the only way to have Z safely. The dr who delivered Z said that unless I got rid of half the gene pool (pointing to Z's dad) I would never have a baby vaginally.

Well...circumstances being what they were, half of the gene pool was gone when it was time to have my next one. But did I get a chance to try again? Nope. There were 2 in there and it was far too risky to attempt a vaginal birth. Come to find out, I would have had to have a c-section anyway with the twins bc Olivia was so far up there, not heads down that it would have been very difficult for her to make her way down far enough to deliver naturally after Abigail came out.

So...was that it all along? Can the Lord see the whole picture in a way that saved me from having to endure both a vaginal and c-section births? 'Cause there are some advantages to having a c-section and everything down there being unchanged. Is that it?

(pausing to think about that for a little bit...)

Ok, let's just say it is. I can handle that. I would have gladly given up some of those advantages to have a natural birth, but ok. He knows best and all that.

However... ... ... why then create me with a love and appreciation for the child birthing process?

I am sure there is a reason. Maybe someday I will stumble upon it. I am not angry at God for this but it does make me question him a little bit.

And THAT"S OK. God can handle a few questions from me, since I am his child and all. You know how we listen to children's questions sometimes with an amused ear. I don't think I will be struck by lightening today.

But then I think of the friends, in real life and in the cyper world, who can't have babies or whose arms are empty because their babies died and damn, but I just feel like a total shmuck about complaining about the way I got my babies. I should just shut up about it. Which I will, right now.

For those who are here to see baby pictures, I will be posting some more very soon. I have some really cute ones from yesterday. Stay tuned.


twins + 2 more = 4 girls said...

I too was wanting an all natural birth, did I get it no! Was I angry no, but I sure was sad when it did happen the second time around and the third time I had no choice. I think God has given us this want so that someday we will be able to help one of or all of our girls go for the natural birth. One of them might really need us to support them there is a reason and someday we will see his master plan with this.

Harris Boys said...

I feel the same way, but everything happens for a reason and happens a certain way. I also wanted a natural birth and ended up with an emergency c-section where Ethan came into this world alone..I was under and my hubby was outside...I was so upset, but in the end he was healthy and both my boys were here.

I know its hard...just know your not alone! ::HUGS::