Saturday, May 17, 2008

Thoughts about infertility

I almost didn't post it, but when you read someone's blog you get the bad days along with the good, right? My thoughts are a little scattered today, so bear with me. I am hoping to get some of these thoughts out of my head that have been rattling around. Don't take offense to anything said here. These are just random thoughts and feelings.

I haven't said much about our journey through infertility because it was such a short trip. Sometimes I don't feel ...I don't know...worthy to carry that title.
I feel lucky that we were able to get all our information lined up in time to go ahead with IVF the first time and in a matter of months after finding out our problems. There are so many couples out there who have tried everything multiple times, IUI, IVF, Clomid, other injectibles, for years only to not have what we accomplished in a year. On the other hand, there is nothing, nothing lucky about infertility.

As short as it was, it was a painful journey for us. I haven't talked to many people about how it really was. My mom, of course, was and still is the most understanding besides Gary. Probably just because she lets me talk. Even some of my closest friends couldn't relate. I heard that I should be thankful that I already have one child. I heard that maybe it just wasn't meant to be, me having any more kids. I heard "Oh, it'll all work out." Yes, I hear all this, but tell this to my heart that has so much room for children. Tell that to the child in me that had 9 dolls and everyone had a name, birthday, and Christmas stocking complete with gifts. Tell these things to me as I send my oldest off to Kindergarten and my arms ached to hold a baby.

I remember the day we found out we could not have a child naturally, or "spontaneously" as is the politically correct term. I was completely devastated. My body had turned against me. My "easy to get pregnant" body had taken the beautiful experience of my son's birth and manipulated it in a way that would cause me to not be able to have any more. You can read about that here. But even there I glossed over the details.

And the months of uncertainty that followed were awful. And let me just say this. So many women get offended when asked if they conceived "naturally". They say that every baby is natural and blah blah blah. I get it, but there was nothing natural about putting a needle in my leg for 2 months, putting 2 needles in my stomach for a week, having internal ultrasounds every other day, giving blood every other day,
paying thousands of dollars, having a Dr push a needle into the wall of my vagina to extract my eggs, having to lie on a table spread eagle as that same Dr put my embryos back in, thus getting me pregnant as my husband stood 3 feet away from me. Miraculous? Absolutely!! Natural? Nope, nothing about that was natural. Not when we did all that instead of just hanging a sock on the door knob of our bedroom.

Sigh...ok time for a small smile during my tyraid

Comic relief:
At my husband's office shower, one of the ladies was taking a picture of us and made a joke about how far apart we were sitting. She said something like, That's not how you got pregnant. We looked at each other and laughed because that is exactly how we got pregnant, by being apart from each other.

I don't mean to be a downer but that is where my head is today. I am thinking of how I took everything for granted with my first one. I got off of birth control and the next cycle I was pregnant. I was "Fertile Myrtle" and didn't know any different. I was one of those who believed it would happen for everyone who just relaxed. Yea, I know, I hang my head in shame now.

Even though it did work out for us in record timing, I will always have a special place in my heart for women who struggle with this for years. For all the women who hate the thought of May coming around with no baby in their arms to celebrate with. There will always be a part of my heart that aches for the lose of my naivety regarding infertility. It is something I never wanted to know about. Now that I do, I cherish my knowledge and insight and hope I can help others in their struggles.

I added a link to the left about an infertility thread. I am not sure I can actually wear one, but I wanted to pass it on. If you ever do see a woman with a pomegranate colored string bracelet on her wrist, give her a break. Give her an extra smile and send up a prayer for her.
She is hurting in a way that no one gets.


Anonymous said...

I used to laugh when people get asked about if they knew 'when it happened' (like on that drunken crazy night, after the big party, on a vacation , etc.) Then I remembered thinking after each cycle that I could tell the exact minute of fertilization, thanks to the large digital clock hanging on the wall in the room.

You seem like you have an interesting story. I look forward to reading more.

Mandy said...

Infertility is something no one can understand until you have been there. Whether it is one month or years, it is still heartbreaking, frusterating, tying, and a mental struggle. You are a part of the infertility family, and I personally thank you for blogging. I am going through my own infertility journey and have found great support in blogs like yours. I look forward to reading more.